As a consultant I have clients who jokingly say, “Your article isn’t going to be about our dysfunction is it?”  I’m not going to lie. Often times I do get my inspiration from my clients.  However, it isn’t their “dysfunction” that inspires me; it’s their willingness to face their challenges and their commitment to improve them.  It takes great humility to admit your mistakes and enormous strength to resolve them.

This week the inspiration came from a team of coworkers who had been struggling with unresolved conflict for a long time. Although conflict is a part of everyday life, unresolved conflict only gets worse. Dr. Stephen R. Covey reports the No. 1 reason for conflict is violated expectations. So it doesn’t mean you are wrong and I am right (although that is always an option--kidding). It means that what you are expecting from this meeting, relationship, job, or whatever is different than what I am expecting.

If you view conflict as differing expectations and not as right and wrong, you will see conflict as an opportunity to come to a shared understanding.  Some of the best teams I have facilitated are very comfortable with conflict. They understand communication is needed, and then they move on without damaging the relationship.  If on the other hand, you avoid conflict like the plague then there is a good chance that your expectations are not being met.  Over time the differing expectations will cause inefficiencies, anger, frustration, and even blow ups about unrelated minor things.

Two things must be present in order to create an atmosphere where people are communicating and resolving conflict--courage and kindness. People must have the courage to communicate their expectations and the kindness to deliver their expectations in a way that can be heard.

Some people are very low on courage and high on kindness.  They don’t want to be mean so they confuse being mean with being honest.  We can be forthright and do it in a kind way.  The flip side of high consideration and low courage is high courage and low consideration. I love people who have high courage even if they don’t “mince” words because I always know where I stand.  But many people will shut down if the message isn’t delivered with kindness.  People will discount your entire message, no matter how insightful it is because it is so offensively delivered.

Conflict really is good because it gives people an opportunity to share their needs or expectations.  I think people often have this fairy tale notion that good relationships don’t have conflict.  It’s how you handle the conflict that determines whether it is good or bad.  We can encourage people who are “too nice” by telling them that we sincerely value their input and sincerely want to understand their needs.  We can also encourage people who are a little low on consideration.  Let them know you want their input but are having trouble hearing it because of the “in your face” delivery.  Remember to ask, “What’s the goal?  To be right or to be effective.”

The team that inspired me this week came together willingly to share their expectations.  They genuinely listened to each other and spoke with as much care as possible.  Once they identified the differing expectations they talked about them until they were on the same page. The courage and humility it took for each individual to be vulnerable for the greater good of the team is inspiring.

I think sometimes I convince myself of how right I am and that only impedes progress. If my goal is to be right in conflict resolution than I will probably only build defensiveness in the other person.If my goal is to be effective so the relationship is good, then my actions and words will be different.

In the end, it is okay to be cautiously optimistic about how long the resolution will last.  Set yourselves up for success by clarifying expectations and holding each other accountable.  You’ll probably slip back, but the agreement will allow you to kindly say to the other person, “didn’t we say we were going to do X?”  The next time you have conflict say, “Oh, we must have different expectations.  Let’s talk.” And then remember your courage and consideration.  I am especially thankful to all the clients that inspire me to be a better person through their own continuous improvement.